Category: Mental Health

Shame

This is how the dictionary defines the word shame:
https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/shame
Definition of shame
1   a:  a painful emotion caused by consciousness of guilt, shortcoming, or impropriety
     b:  the susceptibility to such emotion
                  • have you no shame?
2:  a condition of humiliating disgrace or disrepute : ignominy
                  • the shame of being arrested
3a:  something that brings censure or reproach; also: something to be regretted : pity
                 • it’s a shame you can’t go
b: a cause of feeling shame

This is a simple definition for a powerful and often destructive word.

In fact, the definition above is not accurate.

The definition above refers to GUILT, which is not the same as SHAME.  So first I’ll clarify the definitions:

GUILT: the feeling caused when a person acts (or fails to act) in a way that is counter to their own internal standards. A person feels GUILT when they do (or fail to do) something that they consider wrong. GUILT is based on a person’s actions, behavior, or impact on another person.

SHAME: the feeling that a person themselves is wrong, defective, not good enough, bad, etc. A person feels SHAME not because of their actions or inactions, but because of their being. SHAME is based on a person’s perception of their own worth.

So now that we have a working definition of shame, lets talk about it.
Shame is powerful. Shame takes away power from those who experience it.
Is shame rational?
Guilt may be rational at times. if I do something that is wrong, that is contrary to my own beliefs and morals, I feel guilt. Guilt makes me feel uncomfortable. Guilt feels BAD. Those feelings of discomfort may evoke change. This is true because GUILT is based on something you DID.
Shame is based on something you ARE. Shame is based on the belief that you are in some way defective, inadequate, not good enough, bad, flawed. When you carry shame with you, you carry the certain belief that there is something fundamentally wrong with you. You carry the belief that you are worth less than other people.

Shame is NOT RATIONAL.
Most people will feel shame occasionally. Embarrassment is a form of shame, though it is milder than the kind of shame that this piece is about. The burning cheeks, the anxiety, the self-consciousness we experience when embarrassed is short-lived. We can remember it later and feel it again, but it doesn’t follow us and oppress us daily. Shame is the thing that does that.
If you don’t understand what shame feels like, just try to remember the most embarrassing thing you ever did. Remember that time in 5th grade when you farted loudly during class and everyone turned to look at you. Remember when you were 14 and your swimsuit slipped down as you dove into the water, but you didn’t feel it and proudly climbed the pool ladder, only to look down and find something you did not expect to see. Recall the time your teacher singled you out in the classroom before a field trip, stating we wanted to make a good impression when we go wherever it is we are going, then turns his eyes on you, says your name, and adds, “that means no SLOB ACT!” Remember how your faced burned and how you wished you could disappear, and your eyes ached with tears, and even more humiliating, when your eyes shed those tears in front of everyone. Now imagine carrying that feeling with you through life, having it lurking in the back of your mind.
So that’s shame. That’s pretty weird, but so what, you might wonder.

Remember what else accompanied the embarrassment. Likely, angry thoughts about yourself, blame and disgust with yourself.
The difference is, with embarrassment those feelings quickly pass and the incident is largely forgotten. With shame, you carry them with you. They are always there somewhere in the background, ready to come up with the right provocation.
With shame, those feelings burrow like worms deeply into your mind, your heart. They burrow in and leave tracks of destruction, they make a home there, festering and sometimes growing larger, harder, hotter and more painful. They become a part of who you are, how you think of yourself, how you present yourself.
Shame changes the way you react to people, the way you set goals, the way you do almost everything you do.
Shame is the fuel that powers your negative internal dialog. It tells you lies, but we all tend to believe the lies we tell ourselves.
Shame becomes the poison that seeps into the rest of your life.
Where does it come from?    Watch for more on this soon
What does it do?                      Watch for more on this soon
What can be done about it?  Watch for more on this soon

Continue reading Shame

Depression

Sometimes they talk about depression as the black dog, but that’s hard for me to relate to because

IMG_4910
My Black Dog, Rosie

I literally have often had black dogs, and to me they don’t describe depression.  Sometimes my black dog is the only thing that staves off the depression that threatens.

Depression to me is like being in a house with dirty windows.  Everything is cast in gray, smudged, blurry and dark.  I know there is sunshine just outside, but I can’t really see it through the windows.  I can see the substance of what’s outside, but not the color or the vibrancy.  And I feel tied to the house with the dirty windows, even if I want the sunshine that is just outside.  I stay in the house and sometimes I look out the dirty windows, but I can’t quite bring myself to clean them, or to open them, or to walk outside, because the gloom has captivated me.  It holds me prisoner in an unlocked cell because I can’t see my way to anything better outside the cell.

Inside the cell, I can stay isolated.  I can avoid talking to anyone or interacting with anyone at all.  I can ignore the knock on my door, the phone, or text messages and email.  And I do, because the depression talks to me.  It tells me lies, and I know they’re lies, but I can’t seem to help but listen to them.

The lies sound like truth, or maybe they feel like truth but only the truth that I can see through the dirty windows.

I had this dream the other day. In the dream, I was asleep and then I woke up, and there was this big picture window by me, I could see it from my bed.  I looked out the window and the mountains were out there, much closer than they are here since I’m on the eastern side of town, though I can still see them if I’m in the right place, but this was like I was living much closer to them.  They took up the whole window.

In the dream I wanted to take a picture with my phone, even though it was through glass it was important to me to preserve what I saw, though as is typical of dreams, I don’t know why it was so important.  I don’t know why I felt in a hurry right then, but as I went to get my phone and try to set it up for the picture, a mist was rapidly coming in and covering up the mountains.  It started light and very soon obscured them completely.

When I woke up, for a minute I expected there to be a big picture window.

But it was sad.  It was like it was all just going away, not enough time or out of reach. It was a beautiful view but I couldn’t hold on to the beauty.

Talking with a friend about it, she said, “The mist kinda hides what’s there.”

But its more like I couldn’t capture it that way I wanted to but yes,  I guess it was still there behind the mist.  I just didn’t feel it there, that wasn’t the part I felt.  The picture was slipping away along with my chance to capture it

 

My friend said, “maybe an ebb in the flow. the walking through the mist.  gotta walk through it to get to the other side?”

I guess I could try to reframe it like that but what I felt was that it was gone; I’d never be able to capture it again.  I’d lost it for good to the mist.

But its true, the mountains will still be there.  They are solid, they are constant.

In the dream I felt desolate, like I could never find them again, never capture that perfect view.  But that is just one of the lies depression tells me.   I have to find a way to know the mountains are still there and I can capture it another day.

That’s just a part of how depression works.  It goes back to the dirty windows, and the cell with no lock.

So for now, I do know they’re there, even if I can’t see them, even if i can’t feel them.  And now I just need to find a way to believe it in spite of what my depression shows me.

For you, readers-

When someone you know is in that house with the dirty windows, they might not answer the door, they might not answer the phone, or the texts, or the email.  They might hide away.   Just remember they are being held captive in a cell without a lock, in a house with dirty windows where they can’t see the real world.

So maybe you can knock on the door a little more, and not give up.  Maybe you can find a way to help them leave the house, or maybe you can help them clean the windows, even if its just a little area that shows the outside.  That little area might be the little bit of hope they need.

Don’t try to change how they feel, just try to understand and let them see a little more than they did before you came.  None of us can ever really understand what’s going on inside someone else, but we can ask, and we can try to see it.  And we can offer a different view.  We can try to clear a spot on the window.  Maybe we can even open the door and let the sun shine in for a little bit.