Author: katydid62

"Not Easily Domesticated" I'm Just Me....

Shame

This is how the dictionary defines the word shame:
https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/shame
Definition of shame
1   a:  a painful emotion caused by consciousness of guilt, shortcoming, or impropriety
     b:  the susceptibility to such emotion
                  • have you no shame?
2:  a condition of humiliating disgrace or disrepute : ignominy
                  • the shame of being arrested
3a:  something that brings censure or reproach; also: something to be regretted : pity
                 • it’s a shame you can’t go
b: a cause of feeling shame

This is a simple definition for a powerful and often destructive word.

In fact, the definition above is not accurate.

The definition above refers to GUILT, which is not the same as SHAME.  So first I’ll clarify the definitions:

GUILT: the feeling caused when a person acts (or fails to act) in a way that is counter to their own internal standards. A person feels GUILT when they do (or fail to do) something that they consider wrong. GUILT is based on a person’s actions, behavior, or impact on another person.

SHAME: the feeling that a person themselves is wrong, defective, not good enough, bad, etc. A person feels SHAME not because of their actions or inactions, but because of their being. SHAME is based on a person’s perception of their own worth.

So now that we have a working definition of shame, lets talk about it.
Shame is powerful. Shame takes away power from those who experience it.
Is shame rational?
Guilt may be rational at times. if I do something that is wrong, that is contrary to my own beliefs and morals, I feel guilt. Guilt makes me feel uncomfortable. Guilt feels BAD. Those feelings of discomfort may evoke change. This is true because GUILT is based on something you DID.
Shame is based on something you ARE. Shame is based on the belief that you are in some way defective, inadequate, not good enough, bad, flawed. When you carry shame with you, you carry the certain belief that there is something fundamentally wrong with you. You carry the belief that you are worth less than other people.

Shame is NOT RATIONAL.
Most people will feel shame occasionally. Embarrassment is a form of shame, though it is milder than the kind of shame that this piece is about. The burning cheeks, the anxiety, the self-consciousness we experience when embarrassed is short-lived. We can remember it later and feel it again, but it doesn’t follow us and oppress us daily. Shame is the thing that does that.
If you don’t understand what shame feels like, just try to remember the most embarrassing thing you ever did. Remember that time in 5th grade when you farted loudly during class and everyone turned to look at you. Remember when you were 14 and your swimsuit slipped down as you dove into the water, but you didn’t feel it and proudly climbed the pool ladder, only to look down and find something you did not expect to see. Recall the time your teacher singled you out in the classroom before a field trip, stating we wanted to make a good impression when we go wherever it is we are going, then turns his eyes on you, says your name, and adds, “that means no SLOB ACT!” Remember how your faced burned and how you wished you could disappear, and your eyes ached with tears, and even more humiliating, when your eyes shed those tears in front of everyone. Now imagine carrying that feeling with you through life, having it lurking in the back of your mind.
So that’s shame. That’s pretty weird, but so what, you might wonder.

Remember what else accompanied the embarrassment. Likely, angry thoughts about yourself, blame and disgust with yourself.
The difference is, with embarrassment those feelings quickly pass and the incident is largely forgotten. With shame, you carry them with you. They are always there somewhere in the background, ready to come up with the right provocation.
With shame, those feelings burrow like worms deeply into your mind, your heart. They burrow in and leave tracks of destruction, they make a home there, festering and sometimes growing larger, harder, hotter and more painful. They become a part of who you are, how you think of yourself, how you present yourself.
Shame changes the way you react to people, the way you set goals, the way you do almost everything you do.
Shame is the fuel that powers your negative internal dialog. It tells you lies, but we all tend to believe the lies we tell ourselves.
Shame becomes the poison that seeps into the rest of your life.
Where does it come from?    Watch for more on this soon
What does it do?                      Watch for more on this soon
What can be done about it?  Watch for more on this soon

Continue reading Shame

Cannabis Battles

Once again, a wrongheaded move; a bold leap into the abyss of stupidity has occurred.

Today it was announced that Jeff Sessions, the Attorney General placed by Donald Trump, has rescinded the Cole Memo, which was part of the legal structure that allowed for states to decide whether to allow legal use and sales of marijuana.   Note the word “part”, as it is important.

Currently the Rohrabacher-Farr amendment is in effect (hereafter R-F amendment because I don’t like spelling that long name).  The R-F amendment may provide continued protection, as it disallows the use of federal money for use against medical cannabis laws and has garnered bipartisan support in the years since its original passage in 2014.  The fight to pass the R-F amendment was a long one; the law was first sponsored in congress in 2001 and was voted down a number of times before it was finally passed.

Note this: the R-F amendment is only in effect until January 19th of this year.  We need to encourage our senators and congresspersons to renew this important legislation.  There is also a movement out there to expand the wording to also cover recreational marijuana in those protected states.

 After it was passed into law, it was tested in court numerous times, particularly as the Department of Justice (DOJ) evaded the purpose of the law by “misinterpreting” it to apply not to the people involved in the production, sales and distribution of medical marijuana but instead deciding that it applied only to government officials in those states that allowed medical marijuana.  Since no one was actually prosecuting those officials, the law ended up being fairly meaningless.  It did nothing to stop the investigation and persecution of providers by the DOJ.

When light was shed on the wrongful interpretation of the law by the DOJ, there were some objections and eventually court actions.  The DOJ was found to be in the wrong and was soundly scolded by the judge that made the ruling.  This was seen as a hallmark ruling in favor of MMJ.

So what does all this mean?  Its not clear!  This change may mean nothing, or it may usher in significant changes.

The AG wants it to mean the end of all legal use and distribution of marijuana, which he seems to think will somehow magically stop people using it.  He wants to restart the failed “War on Drugs” that led to nothing but problems for this country.  He wants to reinstitute the persecution of distributors and users of medical marijuana, not just recreational marijuana.

However, California just legalized recreational marijuana on New Year’s Day.  I personally find it interesting that this announcement came out right after the big day for California.  And I also suspect that our AG is in way over his head on this one.  An overwhelming majority of Americans support the availability of medical marijuana.  A smaller majority support the legalization or decriminalization of recreational marijuana.  There is also wide support for removing marijuana from the Schedule 1 drug list, as it has been conclusively proven to have medical benefits.  (Of course, those studies are science- based so the current administration probably does not plan to acknowledge them.)

Sessions may have just paved the way and lit the fuse that will eventually lead to full legalization.  The governing bodies of the states that have legalized and have reaped the benefits of legalization are unlikely to let those benefits be taken away by the federal government.  Twenty-nine states (and the District of Columbia) allow medical marijuana use and sales; 8 states plus the District of Columbia allow for recreational sale and use.   Only 10 states completely ban marijuana for any purpose.

That’s what the AG and the DOJ will face if they choose to press this issue.  40 out of 50 states allow some kind of use of marijuana.  That is a lot of battles to fight.  Sessions has spent much of his career gunning for marijuana but I think he has overstepped this time.

For more information:

The Cannabist: Jeff Sessions Rescinds Cole Memo

Washington Post: Why Jeff Sessions is going to lose his war against cannabis

Stay tuned for more on this subject

The Adventure Continues: Part 4: Does this ever end?

So we left with questions about support payments and shares of the 401K account.  The attorney told us that the judge would likely insist that I get support. He was adamant that in a long-term marriage, and especially since I am presently unemployed, the judge would be unlikely to allow any other option.

He also informed us that our legal plan, the cost of which was deducted weekly from the ex’s paycheck, covered all kinds of things,  but not divorce costs.  (So you may be wondering, as I was, why he has been paying for it all this time.) To retain him would cost about $2000 or more although we had already completed and filed the paperwork.  So, there was that….

Again the ride home was long and quiet, even though the drive was only about 10 minutes.  We felt dejected and afraid that we would not be able to complete it at all.  How would we afford to pay that fee?  How would we manage all of this?

Remember this?

“Not one to be held down for long, I started working on a contingency plan. If you asked friends who know me well, you’d discover that one of my catchphrases is, “I’ll figure something out!”. So I started my figuring process.”

I commenced the figuring process once again.  I searched and finally discovered a ProSe divorce service who said they could prepare the QDRO for a reasonable price.  We managed to see the helper quickly since she was going to be there the next day for a few hours.  As we headed there we weren’t sure what would happen, since this process had been full of surprises, but we packed our hopes into the truck and held our breath.

We sat in the lobby of a converted house for a few minutes and then were greeted by Lovette, the woman who we were to meet with.  Lovette told us she had been doing pro-se divorces for 20 years and had inherited the business from her mother, who also spent many years doing it.  She told us she has never had a QDRO rejected so we feel pretty confident about this.  Well, we do NOW.  But then?  Another story… so here goes!

We came into her office and gave her our gadzillions of pages of forms for the divorce along with telling her our story.  She looked them over and talked about the process, and then —

We mentioned the A and B issue, with me being the petitioner and the ex being the respondent.  She looked at the original filing, which I completed while not living in the state of Wisconsin.  And she gave us a shocker!  She said that the filing should have been blocked because I can’t file a court action in a state I don’t live in.  She said she would check but that she thought that I had to be living in the state at the time of the filing, and that we would have to file again with him being the petitioner.  I looked at the form, and while it asked if I had lived in the state in the last 6 months and the county in the last month, it didn’t say “If you answer no to any of the above questions, you may not file at this time” or anything of that sort.  I was puzzled.  Why would it not warn me on the form?  Or at the very least, why would no one at the courthouse have rejected the petition?

We talked about possible alternative plans, and left feeling discouraged and confused, fearful that we would have to dismiss the current case if it was invalid, then wait a month to file again, followed by the requisite waiting period in Wisconsin of at least 120 days before the action could be completed.  This was not what we wanted.

We went home unsure and discouraged but continued to plan as if we could still follow through on the date we had been given.  The next day she called to let us know she had checked and we could go ahead.  The petition was valid because one of us did live in Wisconsin and in Milwaukee county at the time of filing.  What a relief!

And that is the story to date.  We wait until January 31st when we once again appear at the courthouse, this time with an actual court date.  Or, at least, I sure HOPE so!

The Adventure Continues: Part 3 (Money matters)

I left you with us hanging our heads in shame after being scolded by the wicked witch of the 7th floor  of the Milwaukee County courthouse.

Not one to be held down for long, I started working on a contingency plan. If you asked friends who know me well, you’d discover that one of my catchphrases is, “I’ll figure something out!”. So I started my figuring process.

My first thought was that company that the ex works for offers a legal plan, for which payment is deducted from each paycheck. Surely this should be a good resource for us to consult!  We searched and found one of the plan lawyers with an office nearby, and called to set an appointment. We offered to drop off our materials so they had them before the appointment, and the receptionist who answered the phone concurred with that idea, so we headed over to drop off our paperwork and to set a time to meet with the attorney.  The receptionist was setting the appointment,  but then allowed us to speak with the attorney briefly.

We offered him our mess of paperwork, which he didn’t want to deal with, and I can’t blame him for that. However he was able to look up our case. Remember our old friend CCAP?  Yup, this was when I remembered our old friend CCAP too.  He gave us some details about our case and then glanced through some of the paperwork.

A familiar subject arose: maintenance, or the lack of a request thereof…  Who knew so many people would want me to ask for money I don’t want. 

I was surprised by the push to ask for maintenance.  I’d always gotten the impression that it was hard to get, and that you had to fight to get it if you wanted it, unless the spouse was very wealthy and you had never worked or gotten an education because of the marriage. (Think traditional marital roles, or a “trophy wife” situation, for examples.)

TIP: you may be eligible for maintenance even if you think you aren’t.  If you need it, even temporarily, they will encourage you to take it. If you don’t want it, they might try to get you to take it anyhow.  

I never wanted to ask for it,  even if I had thought i was eligible for it, because it didn’t seem fair or right to me.  My ex isn’t some big corporate CEO or anything; he works in a warehouse and he struggles just to get by.  He works very hard doing 12 hours days and often taking overtime, all for a low rate of pay; to ask for a share of that seems unjustified.   I’m perfectly capable of working even though at present I’m unemployed; I am well-educated and competent, and I’m trying to be fair.  To me that didn’t seem fair at all, and still doesn’t.  I’m a grown adult woman, and I should be able to take care of myself.

On a somewhat amusing side note:  my ex asked me if he was a creep for having mixed feelings about giving me maintenance money.  He said he knew I did need it, but it would make it hard for him to make it if he had to give me half his already rather meager paycheck.  And I felt like a creep because they might try to force the matter and make me take the money.  How damn civil is that?  

Yes, a share of the retirement plan makes sense, because my work was usually part-time or contract work because I had to be available to deal with our children’s schooling issues, and later, to deal with caring for and managing the affairs of my parent’s as they aged and developed dementia.  If i had not been there to take care of those things, I would have been able to work full-time and build up my own retirement funds, but as it was, I have no retirement funds of my own and my social security will be very lowbecause of my work history (that is, if  those of my generation even get back the money we paid in, given current policies and plans).

I also struggled quite a bit with the idea of taking my share of this fund, because I felt that I had not earned the money.   Over time I came to see that had I not been married,  and fulfilling the role as the primary caretaker of our children, as well as the person who managed (however poorly) the household needs, and later as the caretaker of my aging parents, I would have earned my own retirement income.  It’s still uncomfortable for me. I have to keep reminding myself that the things I did within the marriage were important and worth compensation.  If payment had been made for what I did as the primary caretaker, it would likely have come up to more than what he earned.

Although as a housekeeper,  I’m sure I’d have been fired, here are some of the things I personally did:  I managed the bills (albeit, poorly, as there was never enough income to cover them); I attended a million and one school meetings for my children who had some special needs; I took the kids to appointments such as the doctor and dentist;  I checked and helped with homework (that, right there, is worth about a million dollars when you have kids with neurological issues, ADHD, etc.); I drove the kids to classes, to school, home from school as needed; I searched for options in schooling; I researched far and wide looking for help for them; I searched for places to live and set up appointments to view them; I filled out applications for rentals; I had to be available all the time if someone got sick at school and needed to be picked up because his job would not allow it for him; I took them Christmas shopping, clothes shopping; I arranged for birthday parties; I completed all family paperwork including his, because … remember about him and paperwork?; I set appointments for him as well as the kids and acted as a personal assistant to the whole family.  This is only a small fraction of my duties over the years, and I did still manage to get a college education, including a Master’s degree, and I did work much of the time on at least a part-time basis.  As a result of my education, I have student loan debt I’m not asking him to cover, and I have less consistent work history which has made it difficult for me in my current employment situation.

Another note for those who might criticize me for getting an education while he did not – I supported him in getting an education but he had trouble with the process, and short of doing the work for him to hand in, I did all I could to help him with it.  In fact, at times I came close doing his work for him.  I’m pretty good at the whole higher education thing, whereas he is not.  He is a very bright man and has great ideas and creativity but his neurological issues are different from mine, and made it harder for him to persist in school.  He chose to leave school before getting a degree, and to this day I truly wish he had continued so that he could work in a job that is fulfilling for him instead of one that he dreads many days.

So you spouses who set aside or minimize your careers to be the caretaker, the homemaker, the household manager, remember this: what you do in the marriage is worthwhile!  You made a sacrifice to take that role, and you should be compensated if the marriage is dissolved, because you helped your spouse to be able to develop their career, to keep their job, and to set aside savings for retirement.

TIP: This is a common problem for women in long-term relationships.  If your job didn’t take precedence, you may have little or no savings for retirement.  You are legally entitled to a share of retirement funds that have been earned and set aside during the course of the marriage, however you will have to complete a QDRO,  (or Qualified Domestic Relations Order).  Here is a link to some information about this:   More QDRO information

TO BE CONTINUED – since this is getting a bit lengthy!

Day 2: The Adventure Continues.

Bright and early the next morning we were on our way back to the courthouse, optimistic about having help to check our paperwork, and anxious to complete our court business and get on with other tasks. After all, there was a storage unit waiting to be sorted, business to be concluded, friends to visit.

We arrived early and soon were meeting with our volunteer, Aaron.

Here I think it’s time for a bit of background.

This is an amicable divorce. There is no animosity, not much anger, just a desire to resolve things without any fighting or petty behavior.

We want to part as good friends who will always be friends, with mutual respect. After 37 years of marriage we know each other very well.

Not all divorces need to be acrimonious; sometimes two people can try hard to make things work for a long time and never find that place they want to be. They can both be good people who just aren’t good together. No one has to be at fault, no one has to have done some huge wrong to the other.

This is us. We are working together to make this happen the right way. With our kids grown and on their own, with no significant property to split and no desire to get everything out of each other that is possible, a pro se divorce was the logical step. Low cost, cooperative and no need to involve lawyers.

I didn’t want someone fighting for me against the man I share my children with. He didn’t want someone on his end trying to stick it to me. We both want the best for each other, and we both want to be kind to the other.  We agree on things and we want to be fair to one another.

This should be simple. The most complex part should be the QDRO, a form that guides the distribution of retirement funds.

We expected this to be easy.  After all, we agree on everything, there were no complications for us.  We needed to have a second think about that expectation, it would seem.  

Our young volunteer, Aaron, was great. He checked our paperwork and helped us with a few minor questions. He was surprised and impressed with our work, commenting that it was much more complete than most people he assists. He helped us get it all ready and sent us on our way to file it.

And this is where the trouble begins again. The seventh floor of the courthouse, room 707c, to be specific. This is the office of the paralegal who handles all of the pro se petitions for the county.

The woman called us into her office and we gave her the paperwork. She looked it over and informed my husband that he is “B” and I am “A” and subsequently told us to switch seats so that I was seated at her desk and he was behind me in the extra chair.

I am “A” because I initially filled out the paperwork and listed myself as the “petitioner” and him the “respondent”, even though it was a joint petition.

Thus began the interrogation.

She stated that a number of things were missing (which really wasn’t the case) and proceeded to berate our volunteer. She got on the phone and started scolding someone, insisting that Aaron be sent up to explain his work.

At some point she figured out the work done and moved on to the next thing we were guilty of. This was about the issue of who was A and who was B. We didn’t realize the importance of that because it was a joint petition. We both thought that would mean it was interchangeable, but it’s not.

Tip: make sure you are consistent in the paperwork between both parties. Financial information must match. Names must match.

Next she looked at our financial information and demanded to know why I was not asking for maintenance (alimony). I replied that I didn’t want maintenance and she asked how long we had been married. Upon hearing that it was a 37 year marriage she insisted that we would not be able to get approved without maintenance. I am currently unemployed and have no income.

Tip: You aren’t in charge of your divorce. The judge is in charge and can insist on things like maintenance.

Next she told us we had to have the QDRO completed to file, which was completely inconsistent with what I read in my research. She then said that it would take 6 weeks to get the QDRO completed and scheduled us for our hearing on January 31st of next year.

Tip: QDROs are complex and you’re likely better off having an experienced professional complete it. I still don’t know if it has to be completed before filing, but it’s probably a good idea.

We left the office feeling confused and embarrassed. I know I felt I’d been shamed. It was a bit like a visit to the principal’s office when you’d been caught smoking in the bathroom.

Disappointed, confused and embarrassed, we quickly paid the fee to be added to the docket and left. We went from confident to shaky in no time at all.

The ride back started out quiet until we got our bearings. We were confused and now we were wondering if we could get this done at all.

Stay tuned for part 3.

An Adventure in the Wisconsin divorce Courts (Part 1 of the Saga)

Some months ago my husband and I began the process of doing a “pro se” divorce in the state of Wisconsin.

In June I filled out the initial joint petition, got it printed and signed it. I mailed it to the dear soon-to-be ex for his signature and then he delivered it to the clerk of court office with the appropriate fees to be filed and to start the process.

He was given what he described as a “court date”. The date was 12/4/17, so as the date approached I made plans to travel back to Wisconsin to complete the case.

I tried to get more information about what else I might need and what would happen on the big day, but much to my frustration, I couldn’t find anything, not even a way to verify the “court date”.

There were no phone numbers I could find that even gave me a real person to ask, and no answer to the email I sent. I couldn’t find any way to get more info so I flew to Wisconsin blind.

At this point let me interject – we had a case number but had misplaced it.

First tip: CCAP is your friend. I forgot CCAP existed for a while but I could have looked it up on CCAP and it would likely have saved a lot problems. So my first tip is this:

You can get some information about your case through CCAP: CCAP – Wisconsin Circuit Court information.

Another interjection – the soon-to-be ex, (herein after shall be called “the ex”) is not good at paperwork. And when I say “not good”, that can be interpreted as “horrible, abysmal, unable, etc.”. I’ve always been the doer of paperwork, figure-outer of stuff, and all around personal assistant to him. I was (am) not always great at that task but I manage when I can find the resources.

Unfortunately, for this particular issue, I no longer live in Wisconsin. If I had been there, I’d have marched right down to the courthouse and found the information I needed and saved us both a great deal of trouble. But since I wasn’t there, I couldn’t do that.

On the morning of the “court date” we arrived at the courthouse a bit early and expecting a smooth road, but instead we found a roadblock. A big one!

The date we had was a dismissal date!!

Thinking it was a court date we were prepared to give the paperwork to the clerk, face the judge and have the divorce decree in hand, or at least on its way to us. Now we found ourselves in the position of potentially having our case dismissed. We had the forms Completed to the best of our ability, and packed away safely in a lime green plastic accordian folder in my backpack.

Needless to say, we were surprised and upset at the turn of events. We had no idea what to do.

The kind folks at the Milwaukee Justice Center saved our bacon. We explained our situation and they helped us fill out an extension for the court date and gave us further information.

You can find info about them at: Milwaukee Justice Center

While the ex took the extension form to the clerk of court to be accepted, I took the information given me and stepped into the law library, which is located within the Justice Center, to check once again that my paperwork was done correctly.

Apparently we got lucky.

When they gave us the form to extend the deadline, they told us that it was rare to be given an extension, but they encouraged us to try. We did and the extension was granted.

We also got exceptionally lucky in another way. The Justice Center has a staff of volunteers who help people complete their divorce cases (and some other types of cases as well). Usually they are booked out for several weeks, but they had a cancellation for the next morning at 9:30. We snapped that up quickly!

With no further options, and still not clear what should happen that day we left for the day, hopeful that the next day would be smoother.

[Spoiler Alert: it didn’t.]

Day 1 of the saga ended with us disappointed but ready to restart the next day.

Depression

Sometimes they talk about depression as the black dog, but that’s hard for me to relate to because

IMG_4910
My Black Dog, Rosie

I literally have often had black dogs, and to me they don’t describe depression.  Sometimes my black dog is the only thing that staves off the depression that threatens.

Depression to me is like being in a house with dirty windows.  Everything is cast in gray, smudged, blurry and dark.  I know there is sunshine just outside, but I can’t really see it through the windows.  I can see the substance of what’s outside, but not the color or the vibrancy.  And I feel tied to the house with the dirty windows, even if I want the sunshine that is just outside.  I stay in the house and sometimes I look out the dirty windows, but I can’t quite bring myself to clean them, or to open them, or to walk outside, because the gloom has captivated me.  It holds me prisoner in an unlocked cell because I can’t see my way to anything better outside the cell.

Inside the cell, I can stay isolated.  I can avoid talking to anyone or interacting with anyone at all.  I can ignore the knock on my door, the phone, or text messages and email.  And I do, because the depression talks to me.  It tells me lies, and I know they’re lies, but I can’t seem to help but listen to them.

The lies sound like truth, or maybe they feel like truth but only the truth that I can see through the dirty windows.

I had this dream the other day. In the dream, I was asleep and then I woke up, and there was this big picture window by me, I could see it from my bed.  I looked out the window and the mountains were out there, much closer than they are here since I’m on the eastern side of town, though I can still see them if I’m in the right place, but this was like I was living much closer to them.  They took up the whole window.

In the dream I wanted to take a picture with my phone, even though it was through glass it was important to me to preserve what I saw, though as is typical of dreams, I don’t know why it was so important.  I don’t know why I felt in a hurry right then, but as I went to get my phone and try to set it up for the picture, a mist was rapidly coming in and covering up the mountains.  It started light and very soon obscured them completely.

When I woke up, for a minute I expected there to be a big picture window.

But it was sad.  It was like it was all just going away, not enough time or out of reach. It was a beautiful view but I couldn’t hold on to the beauty.

Talking with a friend about it, she said, “The mist kinda hides what’s there.”

But its more like I couldn’t capture it that way I wanted to but yes,  I guess it was still there behind the mist.  I just didn’t feel it there, that wasn’t the part I felt.  The picture was slipping away along with my chance to capture it

 

My friend said, “maybe an ebb in the flow. the walking through the mist.  gotta walk through it to get to the other side?”

I guess I could try to reframe it like that but what I felt was that it was gone; I’d never be able to capture it again.  I’d lost it for good to the mist.

But its true, the mountains will still be there.  They are solid, they are constant.

In the dream I felt desolate, like I could never find them again, never capture that perfect view.  But that is just one of the lies depression tells me.   I have to find a way to know the mountains are still there and I can capture it another day.

That’s just a part of how depression works.  It goes back to the dirty windows, and the cell with no lock.

So for now, I do know they’re there, even if I can’t see them, even if i can’t feel them.  And now I just need to find a way to believe it in spite of what my depression shows me.

For you, readers-

When someone you know is in that house with the dirty windows, they might not answer the door, they might not answer the phone, or the texts, or the email.  They might hide away.   Just remember they are being held captive in a cell without a lock, in a house with dirty windows where they can’t see the real world.

So maybe you can knock on the door a little more, and not give up.  Maybe you can find a way to help them leave the house, or maybe you can help them clean the windows, even if its just a little area that shows the outside.  That little area might be the little bit of hope they need.

Don’t try to change how they feel, just try to understand and let them see a little more than they did before you came.  None of us can ever really understand what’s going on inside someone else, but we can ask, and we can try to see it.  And we can offer a different view.  We can try to clear a spot on the window.  Maybe we can even open the door and let the sun shine in for a little bit.

 

 

One true thing

This post was written a few years ago now. I no longer work in that field, not because I chose to leave it as much as because things changed and I was unable to sustain my progress. But I stand by this post.

One of the first things I’m often asked when people find out what I do for my living, is “doesn’t it scare you to be working with all those criminals? ” or something similar to that question.  .

My short and easy answer?  No, it doesn’t.  

In fact, most of the time I enjoy meeting with them. Most are interesting and friendly and often bright and insightful. Yes there are some I’d rather never see again, and some that i wouldn’t want to meet in a less public and protected setting, but for the most part, my clients are just regular people who did something that got them into trouble with the law.  Frequently they did or do have a pattern of criminal behavior, but in many ways they are not that different from me and probably not from you, either.  They have kids they love and families they love.

Don’t be surprised.  You might think, “No one I know has been in prison.”  While that may be true of your closest friends and family, as it was for me, you may find you have had contact with many people who have been incarcerated and are now free.  They are at your church.  They have kids at your children’s school. They work out at the same gym as you.  They may work with you every day.  They may live next door to you, or across the street.  They may be taking care of your car, or your dog, or hospitalized family member.

They are people, just like you and me, except they have had experiences that we never did.  They have been arrested and gone to prison.  I haven’t, and I’m generally fairly law-abiding, but most of us, if we really stop to think about it, have at least once or twice in our lives done something that could have led to arrest if we had been caught especially when I hear about some of the offenses my clients have committed.

Menacing, assault, domestic violence, sexual assault, fraud, identity theft, false information to a pawnbroker, criminal trespassing, auto theft, burglary, drug possession, etc.  You might say to yourself, no I never did any of those things, and maybe you haven’t, but its possible at some point that you did, and didn’t even realize what you did was criminal behavior.

Let’s look at menacing for example:

18-3-206. Menacing.

(1) A person commits the crime of menacing if, by any threat or physical action, he or she knowingly places or attempts to place another person in fear of imminent serious bodily injury. Menacing is a class 3 misdemeanor, but, it is a class 5 felony if committed:

(a) By the use of a deadly weapon or any article used or fashioned in a manner to cause a person to reasonably believe that the article is a deadly weapon; or

(b) By the person representing verbally or otherwise that he or she is armed with a deadly weapon.

Source: L. 71: R&RE, p. 421, 1. C.R.S. 1963: 40-3-206. L. 77: Entire section amended, p. 961, 12, effective July 1. L. 2000: Entire section amended, p. 694, 5, effective July 1.

Have you ever menaced?  Did you ever threaten someone with harm?  That is misdemeanor menacing.  Did you have something in your hand that could be interpreted as a weapon?  (that can include a toy gun, any object that someone could perceive as a weapon. Some of my horse supplies could appear as a weapon, for example.)  That’s felony menacing.  I’m a fairly peaceable and non aggressive person, and i don’t think i ever ‘menaced’ anyone, but behavior can be interpreted very loosely, and i do know plenty of people who have done things that likely met the definition of either misdemeanor menacing or felony menacing. Most likely you would not be arrested for it unless it was a pretty serious action, but it can happen, and it does happen.

 I won’t say most of my clients are innocent  – they generally aren’t innocent.  And they usually don’t claim they are – More about that subject in the  future –  but the example might show you how easily you can make a mistake that changes your entire life.  I’ll add that most of my clients have made more than one mistake of a similar nature, since probation or other non-custodial sentences are usually given for a single first offense. Prison is not the first stop for most offenses, with, of course, some major exceptions.  It’s usually the end stop after a number of chances and a number of bad choices.

Of course I also meet with my clients in a safe setting.  We meet in my personal office, in an office space filled with my coworkers.  It’s a very controlled setting in which we are not allowed to be left alone with a client, and where others are aware of the meeting.

There are some I’ve met with that I’d rather not meet outside of a controlled setting, but they are the exception.

Myths, truths and pondering

I work as a therapist with clients who are involved in the Criminal Justice system.  Specifically I work with people who are on parole, helping them to get treatment and resources they need to avoid recidivism and integrate into the community.  I’ve met some amazing people in the time I have been doing this work, and I’ve seen firsthand some of the myths and some of the truths about the system and the people who are in it. i can only speak from my own experiences, which are limited to the parole system in the state in which I live, and by extension some things about the prisons and jails, the laws and the sentencing practices, for example.  But mostly, it’s about the people.

My state is unusual in that all inmates are automatically placed on parole, whether they complete their sentence or are released early. The parole length is a part of the sentence so all inmates are supervised on parole after their release from prison.

Some of my clients don’t like this policy; I’ve been told that its “unconstitutional”, and that similar laws in other states have been ruled to be unconstitutional.  I haven’t looked that up to verify it, because here, in this place,  that’s the way the system is, and here is where I am.  For the most part, I believe that it’s a system that has a good purpose, although sometimes it serves that purpose better than other times.

By having parole for every single inmate, there is an option to provide support and help to every single inmate and that should be a good thing. I think it often is a good thing, even for those of my clients who hate it the most.  Perhaps mostly for the clients who hate it the most.   But at times it also places a burden on someone who has paid their debt, has served the time given, and who just wants to live their life.  Some people need the help.  Some thrive on the structure.  Some find it a cushion that allows them to start a new life.  Some feel they are slowly suffocating under the restrictions and supervision.

Check back soon for more …..

 

Craft

This is today’s prompt. The first thing this brought to mind is hobbies. I’ve had a few over the year that would qualify as crafts.

Then I think about the other meanings of the word craft. For example craft is also a name for a boat.

I tend to think of a small boat, bobbing by a pier, paddles and life vests strewn about in it. I see there a half finished bag of Cheetos and a greasy orange smear on the side of the boat where the consumer of the Cheetos grasped it when leaving the craft.

Stuffed in the front under the lip that covers the bow, sits a red tackle box with a puddle of water on the indentation in the lid, holding a somewhat bloated worm.

Laid carelessly along the length of the boat, three fishing poles rest side by side, one smaller than the other two.

A tube of sunblock rests in the keel along with empty cans of Mountain Dew and a juice box.

A hoodie covers each of the benches in the boat, one larger and dark gray in color, the others smaller, one red and one purple.

There is a bucket of water, partially filled, snugged behind the back bench, with a sprinkling of sand on the bottom and some duckweed floating on top.

A rope secures the boat to the metal tie off on the pier and a jumble of 6 flip flops rests near a bunched up striped beach towel. The largest of them are big and black and white. A medium sized pair are red and white and the smallest are pink and purple and have a small bow at the V where the straps merge to form the toe peice.

The sun, high in the sky, sparkles on the water and the air smells rich with life.