I left you with us hanging our heads in shame after being scolded by the wicked witch of the 7th floor of the Milwaukee County courthouse.
Not one to be held down for long, I started working on a contingency plan. If you asked friends who know me well, you’d discover that one of my catchphrases is, “I’ll figure something out!”. So I started my figuring process.
My first thought was that company that the ex works for offers a legal plan, for which payment is deducted from each paycheck. Surely this should be a good resource for us to consult! We searched and found one of the plan lawyers with an office nearby, and called to set an appointment. We offered to drop off our materials so they had them before the appointment, and the receptionist who answered the phone concurred with that idea, so we headed over to drop off our paperwork and to set a time to meet with the attorney. The receptionist was setting the appointment, but then allowed us to speak with the attorney briefly.
We offered him our mess of paperwork, which he didn’t want to deal with, and I can’t blame him for that. However he was able to look up our case. Remember our old friend CCAP? Yup, this was when I remembered our old friend CCAP too. He gave us some details about our case and then glanced through some of the paperwork.
A familiar subject arose: maintenance, or the lack of a request thereof… Who knew so many people would want me to ask for money I don’t want.
I was surprised by the push to ask for maintenance. I’d always gotten the impression that it was hard to get, and that you had to fight to get it if you wanted it, unless the spouse was very wealthy and you had never worked or gotten an education because of the marriage. (Think traditional marital roles, or a “trophy wife” situation, for examples.)
TIP: you may be eligible for maintenance even if you think you aren’t. If you need it, even temporarily, they will encourage you to take it. If you don’t want it, they might try to get you to take it anyhow.
I never wanted to ask for it, even if I had thought i was eligible for it, because it didn’t seem fair or right to me. My ex isn’t some big corporate CEO or anything; he works in a warehouse and he struggles just to get by. He works very hard doing 12 hours days and often taking overtime, all for a low rate of pay; to ask for a share of that seems unjustified. I’m perfectly capable of working even though at present I’m unemployed; I am well-educated and competent, and I’m trying to be fair. To me that didn’t seem fair at all, and still doesn’t. I’m a grown adult woman, and I should be able to take care of myself.
On a somewhat amusing side note: my ex asked me if he was a creep for having mixed feelings about giving me maintenance money. He said he knew I did need it, but it would make it hard for him to make it if he had to give me half his already rather meager paycheck. And I felt like a creep because they might try to force the matter and make me take the money. How damn civil is that?
Yes, a share of the retirement plan makes sense, because my work was usually part-time or contract work because I had to be available to deal with our children’s schooling issues, and later, to deal with caring for and managing the affairs of my parent’s as they aged and developed dementia. If i had not been there to take care of those things, I would have been able to work full-time and build up my own retirement funds, but as it was, I have no retirement funds of my own and my social security will be very lowbecause of my work history (that is, if those of my generation even get back the money we paid in, given current policies and plans).
I also struggled quite a bit with the idea of taking my share of this fund, because I felt that I had not earned the money. Over time I came to see that had I not been married, and fulfilling the role as the primary caretaker of our children, as well as the person who managed (however poorly) the household needs, and later as the caretaker of my aging parents, I would have earned my own retirement income. It’s still uncomfortable for me. I have to keep reminding myself that the things I did within the marriage were important and worth compensation. If payment had been made for what I did as the primary caretaker, it would likely have come up to more than what he earned.
Although as a housekeeper, I’m sure I’d have been fired, here are some of the things I personally did: I managed the bills (albeit, poorly, as there was never enough income to cover them); I attended a million and one school meetings for my children who had some special needs; I took the kids to appointments such as the doctor and dentist; I checked and helped with homework (that, right there, is worth about a million dollars when you have kids with neurological issues, ADHD, etc.); I drove the kids to classes, to school, home from school as needed; I searched for options in schooling; I researched far and wide looking for help for them; I searched for places to live and set up appointments to view them; I filled out applications for rentals; I had to be available all the time if someone got sick at school and needed to be picked up because his job would not allow it for him; I took them Christmas shopping, clothes shopping; I arranged for birthday parties; I completed all family paperwork including his, because … remember about him and paperwork?; I set appointments for him as well as the kids and acted as a personal assistant to the whole family. This is only a small fraction of my duties over the years, and I did still manage to get a college education, including a Master’s degree, and I did work much of the time on at least a part-time basis. As a result of my education, I have student loan debt I’m not asking him to cover, and I have less consistent work history which has made it difficult for me in my current employment situation.
Another note for those who might criticize me for getting an education while he did not – I supported him in getting an education but he had trouble with the process, and short of doing the work for him to hand in, I did all I could to help him with it. In fact, at times I came close doing his work for him. I’m pretty good at the whole higher education thing, whereas he is not. He is a very bright man and has great ideas and creativity but his neurological issues are different from mine, and made it harder for him to persist in school. He chose to leave school before getting a degree, and to this day I truly wish he had continued so that he could work in a job that is fulfilling for him instead of one that he dreads many days.
So you spouses who set aside or minimize your careers to be the caretaker, the homemaker, the household manager, remember this: what you do in the marriage is worthwhile! You made a sacrifice to take that role, and you should be compensated if the marriage is dissolved, because you helped your spouse to be able to develop their career, to keep their job, and to set aside savings for retirement.
TIP: This is a common problem for women in long-term relationships. If your job didn’t take precedence, you may have little or no savings for retirement. You are legally entitled to a share of retirement funds that have been earned and set aside during the course of the marriage, however you will have to complete a QDRO, (or Qualified Domestic Relations Order). Here is a link to some information about this: More QDRO information
TO BE CONTINUED – since this is getting a bit lengthy!
Kate's Ramblings. 