Bright and early the next morning we were on our way back to the courthouse, optimistic about having help to check our paperwork, and anxious to complete our court business and get on with other tasks. After all, there was a storage unit waiting to be sorted, business to be concluded, friends to visit.
We arrived early and soon were meeting with our volunteer, Aaron.
Here I think it’s time for a bit of background.
This is an amicable divorce. There is no animosity, not much anger, just a desire to resolve things without any fighting or petty behavior.
We want to part as good friends who will always be friends, with mutual respect. After 37 years of marriage we know each other very well.
Not all divorces need to be acrimonious; sometimes two people can try hard to make things work for a long time and never find that place they want to be. They can both be good people who just aren’t good together. No one has to be at fault, no one has to have done some huge wrong to the other.
This is us. We are working together to make this happen the right way. With our kids grown and on their own, with no significant property to split and no desire to get everything out of each other that is possible, a pro se divorce was the logical step. Low cost, cooperative and no need to involve lawyers.
I didn’t want someone fighting for me against the man I share my children with. He didn’t want someone on his end trying to stick it to me. We both want the best for each other, and we both want to be kind to the other. We agree on things and we want to be fair to one another.
This should be simple. The most complex part should be the QDRO, a form that guides the distribution of retirement funds.
We expected this to be easy. After all, we agree on everything, there were no complications for us. We needed to have a second think about that expectation, it would seem.
Our young volunteer, Aaron, was great. He checked our paperwork and helped us with a few minor questions. He was surprised and impressed with our work, commenting that it was much more complete than most people he assists. He helped us get it all ready and sent us on our way to file it.
And this is where the trouble begins again. The seventh floor of the courthouse, room 707c, to be specific. This is the office of the paralegal who handles all of the pro se petitions for the county.
The woman called us into her office and we gave her the paperwork. She looked it over and informed my husband that he is “B” and I am “A” and subsequently told us to switch seats so that I was seated at her desk and he was behind me in the extra chair.
I am “A” because I initially filled out the paperwork and listed myself as the “petitioner” and him the “respondent”, even though it was a joint petition.
Thus began the interrogation.
She stated that a number of things were missing (which really wasn’t the case) and proceeded to berate our volunteer. She got on the phone and started scolding someone, insisting that Aaron be sent up to explain his work.
At some point she figured out the work done and moved on to the next thing we were guilty of. This was about the issue of who was A and who was B. We didn’t realize the importance of that because it was a joint petition. We both thought that would mean it was interchangeable, but it’s not.
Tip: make sure you are consistent in the paperwork between both parties. Financial information must match. Names must match.
Next she looked at our financial information and demanded to know why I was not asking for maintenance (alimony). I replied that I didn’t want maintenance and she asked how long we had been married. Upon hearing that it was a 37 year marriage she insisted that we would not be able to get approved without maintenance. I am currently unemployed and have no income.
Tip: You aren’t in charge of your divorce. The judge is in charge and can insist on things like maintenance.
Next she told us we had to have the QDRO completed to file, which was completely inconsistent with what I read in my research. She then said that it would take 6 weeks to get the QDRO completed and scheduled us for our hearing on January 31st of next year.
Tip: QDROs are complex and you’re likely better off having an experienced professional complete it. I still don’t know if it has to be completed before filing, but it’s probably a good idea.
We left the office feeling confused and embarrassed. I know I felt I’d been shamed. It was a bit like a visit to the principal’s office when you’d been caught smoking in the bathroom.
Disappointed, confused and embarrassed, we quickly paid the fee to be added to the docket and left. We went from confident to shaky in no time at all.
The ride back started out quiet until we got our bearings. We were confused and now we were wondering if we could get this done at all.
Stay tuned for part 3.
Kate's Ramblings. 